“Tis the season,” as my therapist said...
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Towards the end of May, my anxiety started to tailspin. It ‘seems’ to comes out of nowhere and feels like someone is physically sitting on my chest. I have negative self-talk, question everything I am trying to do creatively and have the feeling of impending doom. My insomnia leads to exhaustion which leads to more anxiety and the tailspin only escalates.
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When I am in these waves, I feel like I’m physically being suffocated. And if you were to ask, as many do, “what are you anxious about?” I’d say nothing. I couldn’t write down a single problem that would relieve this feeling.
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That’s anxiety.
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I fight this all consuming feeling with logic, frustration and exercise. Nothing helps when I am caught in the undertow.
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At the point in this cycle where I was most confused, I opened up Instagram to see last year’s memory. Almost to the exact day the previous year, I made a post that started with, “this time every year, my body starts to remember the trauma.”
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“Duh!” I thought.
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My body always begins to react far before my mind realizes what she is doing.
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She is simply trying to protect me.
She is stuck in the trauma.
She is bracing for impact.
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It has caught me off guard every year since the twins were born which is now six. I feel I have done the work spiritually, emotionally and mentally, but my body is still stuck. I’d like to say it has gotten better each year and maybe it has, but that is not what this post is about.
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What I want other mothers to hear today is that… This IS a thing.
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Birth trauma is real and anniversaries can be very triggering not just emotionally, but physically. I never heard anyone talk about this so that’s why I speak up.
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So if you know what I am talking about or maybe for the first time this makes sense to you, please know you are not alone because I sit with you as we heal together.