The Medical Motherhood that Goes on Forever

The doctor mentioned a surgery he may someday need. All Lochlan heard was “surgery.” His innate fear took over. 

“Am I having surgery today?” he asked in a panic.

I immediately went into damage control.

“No, bud. There is no surgery today. All we’re doing is taking pictures today. Just like we talked about, you may need surgery if it will help your body, but not today. No surgery today.”

Lochlan, still hesitant, eased up his tension. Even though he mostly believed what I was saying, there was a piece of him that refused to fully let his guard down.

Over the past 9+ years, I have learned that I don’t get to have worries about future medical challenges. I simply don’t have the energy to waste on things that have not yet happened and may never happen. More surgeries are statistically likely in his future, but I also know those fears belong in a box that shouldn’t be opened until a surgery date is actually scheduled.

Lochlan, on the other hand, only understands that surgery is the worst thing he has ever experienced.

Even though he will tell you that his spinal and brain surgeries didn’t hurt, I remember them very differently. I don’t know if his memory has blocked out the pain and hardship, but I assure you, it definitely hurt. 

Something I’ve learned is that is the part of medical motherhood that goes on forever. It never really gets easier. This is something I wish people looking in from the outside understood. It is never easy or something we used to.

I would have thought brain surgery on a two-pound newborn would have been more difficult than ear surgery on a preteen. But the truth is, he is now aware and the hardships are mental and emotional. Especially when I have to ask him to be braver than I could ever be.

Thankfully, this week’s imaging brought no bad news I will consider that good news even though it showed some progression that I didn’t care to see.

Our family presses on, doing every therapy, intervention and prayer practice in hopes of avoiding surgery in the next couple of years. But sometimes it’s hard to keep that box of fear and anxiety shut, knowing what is statistically likely to be in our future.